10 For you, O God, tested us;
you refined us like silver.
11 You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.
12 You let men ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but you brought us to a place of abundance
Refining, is hard work. But in the end, there's a beautiful, and stronger person. I have experienced refining many times, each time I wonder if I am going 'insane'. Then piece by piece it falls into place, as a mosaic.
Today, I see some clarity.
Lately, I have been having faith, identity, and vocational questions. The past few weeks have not been fun. The wrestling has been stressful and tiring. However, it's all led me to a place where I know God is doing something in my life...some refining. On top of this all, I had a this strong sense of 'calling'. Anytime I have had this 'calling' as strong as it has been has resulted in big life changes such as physical moves, and my first child.
Where's God leading me?
Make Your Home in Me.
I really thought I had things mostly figured out when it came to God and faith. How silly is that? Really can we experience such progress on this earth? God is much bigger than I could ever imagine. But my 'figuring it out' was resorted down to, God is mysterious, we can't figure it out, so why try! But that's not the point is it? I am glad God knocked me down a few pegs. Have you read the story 'Petunia'? It's about a silly goose who finds a book, and knows that wisdom comes from books. She then becomes proud, and more proud and makes a mess of the farm yard because of her 'wisdom'. Then the book drops open, and there are words on the page. The morale of the story: books have great potential for wisdom, but we must open them. Really, one might think they have all the wisdom there is about God, but the truth is, the Bible is the living word. In it is relationship with God. How He continues to speak love and life into us. I've been rather preoccupied with how my physical house looks. What my physical house is about. Rather than focusing on making my home in Jesus.
I am strongly committed to remaining gentle and kind toward my children. However, I have not been incredibly kind to myself. For me this means making time for myself, and finally working towards some health goals that I have desired for sometime. Making better choices about loving my body. Forgiving myself. Resting in God's graces and strength rather than my own, which are quite insufficient for the life I want to lead. Also, being kinder to my husband and those around me.
I've always been a fairly passionate person. I've always had a strong sense of vocation. Parenting my kids, schooling them, providing a healthy lifestyle, in the knowledge of God's love is quite the vocation at hand. However, I know I want to contribute to the wider picture. There are many out there hurting, and I want to use my gifts and energy to love them. Today, I feel one step closer to what this might be. But I won't share just yet.
I've been running and spinning thinking of new ways to 'fulfill' my life. As filling as it was. Now I know God was using all that confusion to direct me to what really matters. Where does this come from? The lust to want more? To be unsatisfied with what we have? To not be grateful? That's another post sometime. That's really where this all started, cravings, which take me away from 'resting in God' and being full of 'gratitude'.